Hi, my name is Kate, and I’m a Cokaholic.
As I write this, it is the 18th day, and by the time it posts, it will be the 19th day… but anyway…
I wasn’t going to post about day 16/17 yet. I was going to do a 11-15 post… but then yesterday happened.
Don’t be alarmed, I’m still coke-sober! I’ve not had a set back…. but I did have a bad day.
Day 11-16 26th March to 1st April 2018.
Nothing special. The week leading up to Easter and a nice long weekend.
I’ve been playing the VR (Virtual Reality) a lot. Mostly it’s because I like getting good at the game but it is also because I’m sad. Going into another world for hours is a great way to pass the time and forget the real world exists.
I still constantly want a coke. I think about making one… I’m thinking about making one right now… the large blue cup, filled with ice. The SNAP and hiss of a can of coke. The perfect pour so the bubbles don’t fizz over. Topped off with a pink bendy straw.
But I’ve not made one yet. I want a baby is my main motivator, but also not wanting to start from ‘day 1’ is becoming a big deal for me. I just… I don’t want to start again. The thought of going through day 1, 2, 3, etc. again just to get into new days I’ve never reached feels so depressing and I don’t wish to do it.
So I stay the course. I don’t drink Coke.
Then there was yesterday… Day 17… the 2nd of April, 2018.
Now, I’m going to place the blame squarely on hormones (because I’m a woman, so I can totally do that). But yesterday, I was sad.
It was a sadness that left me feeling miserable and questioning ‘what’s the point’.
- I tried playing the computer, that was boring and not enjoyable.
- VR was tedious and there was no joy there.
- I tried going ‘out’ in the world, but the sun pissed me off and people felt more in the way than usual… and there wasn’t a person around
- I gave up and went back to bed for the afternoon. Alone in solitude I watched ‘Dr Who’ re-runs. In hindsight, that was a mistake because a lot of season 4 is filled with sorrow and heartache.
Then came the what’s the point.
- What’s the point in quitting coke?
- it’s not like its illegal
- or harmful to others
- 3 to 4 cans is better than quite a few coffee consumers
- what’s the point in giving up coke if I’m miserable…
What’s the point… if I’m miserable.
That hit me hard. That thought.
You try so hard to ignore the reality of just how unhappy and miserable you are when you can’t do anything to change it. You just find ways to keep going…. but I took away the copping mechanism that has kept me going for more than 15 years…
For 15 years Coke has propped me up when life was endlessly, tediously and never-endingly heart wrenching, overwhelming and pointless.
Then the sadness, after it washes over you, turns to anger. Just angry at everything and everyone. All the people and things in your life you value, and it is THEIR fault because you value them so highly you continue down the lonely road, past despair and into a place of numb continuance because you must. You must become numb in order to keep on going, you have to keep on going because that’s the only way to keep all the people and things together. Intact.
All I want, is a coke.
As ridiculous as this may sound… I lay in bed and cried. I cried because I cannot come and I cannot go. I can’t go up or down, left or right… and I didn’t have coke as a refuge.