This post was written Thursday of last week (5th of April), but I just couldn’t complete it/post it until now.
I couldn’t post anything. It’s all just been too hard.
I did not expect this.
I’ve been crying for hours.
There are no words that can describe the unbearable sadness. It’s more than a sadness. It’s a pain. It’s a pain that rolls around your head and your heart. It cascades down your face. It burns. It engulfs. It explodes, implodes, then explodes again.
I had another specialist appointment. The aim was to do a scan and see how my ovaries had responded to the Letrozole (aka, give me an EGG!), and to get the results from my husbands sperm analysis.
The Dr opened the results and said ‘there’s not much going on’ and I thought oh he means not much to report or to tell us about…
What he meant was there was an insignificant amount of sperm and it wasn’t moving… low sperm count, no movement.
I made it through the rest of my appointment without becoming upset… but… I mean… he’s sending us back for another test but what’s the point? There is no viable sperm, which means hubby can never have a child that is truly his own and we are going to have to look at sperm donors at some stage… I mean… WTF world! Why us?!
I have LITERALLY spent my whole life studying, caring, raising and being engaged in the world of children. I’m freaking good at it… no I’m AMAZING at it. I’m naturally skilled and I’ve honed my knowledged across multiple child-related fields and then… I don’t get one of my own.
It’s just f**ked if you’ll pardon my language. I’m just very hurt, angry and sad.
And hubby is hurt, angry and sad.
I can’t support him… he can’t support me.
and then I have dark thoughts. Dark thoughts that creep into the back corner of the mind. Where they settle in and make themselves at home.
Thoughts that you’d never dare say out loud.
Thoughts that you know are not ok, you shouldn’t be thinking them… and yet… you do… briefly before shoving them as far away as you can shove them.
Thoughts like… if I never have a child there is no point in continuing. I’ll just end it all…
I don’t like those thoughts.